Stumbling Through

Photo Credit- Adobe Stock

I don't know what I am doing. I feel like I'm walking through life with a blind fold on. Just stumbling through my path with no sense of direction and feeling lost. Doing any and everything. Someone very close to me made a comment and said "You seem to be living the dream life.. it seems you are having the time of your life." I am not. Looking from the outside in, I wondered, is there someone out there wishing they were living my life? Does my life seem so put together and organized? Meanwhile, here I am experiencing crippling jealousy and self doubt because I cannot stop comparing myself with my peers who are doing so much better than I am or those who I feel left me behind. I had no idea that I was carrying my pains so well it seemed that I did not have any. Well... if anything, I'm in the pits. I'm not going to start explaining my struggles here. because you know, nobody really cares.. but just because I carry it well does not mean it is not heavy. Sometimes I experience so much anxiety when I think of life. Other times I am just like whatever. They say that life is a roller-coaster.. full of highs and lows. At first,the highs are so much fun and the lows are so low. But then, both extremes become very exhausting. Especially if you are experiencing them simultaneously or back to back. We all know the lows suck but we do not seem to realize that the highs can be exhausting that sometimes we forget to celebrate them. Sometimes I just wish it was a long flat road. Consistent with no surprises. It would get boring quite fast though. Experiencing both extremes with no breaks in the middle creates so much burn out in someone and one longs for a break. And when things seem to be relaxing, another extreme pops up begging the question, " When does it ever end?" It's a never-ending journey. One thing transitions to another. The highs transition to lows to breaks but then you can never rest for too long that you get comfortable, because too much rest is another problem. I just look forward to the day where my highs do not exhaust me or my lows do not consume me. That I may carry each day with grace no matter what comes my way.

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