Soul of an Artist

Photo Credit- Harvard Health Weird question huh? Answer it. When I was young and wanted to experience life something like cocaine or crack even crystal meth at this point would be the most logical answer. But now my answer is completely different. There's a reason I haven't written in forever. When I first heard this question on the internet being asked, the lady's answer was sobriety. Because what's harder than facing your own life sober? And that got me thinking. What would be the hardest drug I've taken? And honestly I'm not that much of an abuser. But something I do abuse, are my emotions. And what's the hardest drug I've ever done you ask? Before last year my answer would have been alcohol. But now my answer is Grief. Grief is the hardest thing I have had to carry. And I carry it. Sometimes loudly, mostly silently though. It's changed who I am, how I look, how I view the world. Those rose-col...

  Photo Credit- Pixels Whooh! I'm scared even beginning to write this. 2024 was the absolute ghetto. I think most people would agree. So many things happened and as human beings, once we move on from tragedy, we tend to forget it happened. We started the year with the femicide cases, to Katt Williams interview that broke the internet, to the devastating floods that cost many their homes, lives and loved ones, to maandamano and rejecting the finance bill, to invading Parliament, a proud historic moment for Gen Zs to the Gen Zs who died while protesting, the women who were found at Kware, to the illegal abductions, to Trump getting in office and then we ended the year marching for femicide AGAIN where we were met with more violence protesting violence against women. Those were just the highlights of last year, I've not even began the nitty gritty. 2024 was a year and a half for most, especially economically. Times have become really hard for the common mwananchi and as a Gen Z wh...

Shifts, can be scary right? I get into ruts, often My peers move up the corporate ladder Maladaptive daydreaming Bursts of dopamine Try to get into old hobbies Cannot sustain it Mindless scrolling Wishing that I could live other people's highlights Loud music blasts in my ears eliciting various emotions in me Escapism But it all comes crashing down And I'm back in my room In the darkness With the harsh brightness Of my phone screen glaring at me Just a fantasy It's time for a shift It's been time, Yet I cannot  I'm still stuck Stuck where you left me

Photo Credit- Pexels My day is not going well. Hell, It's not been a good week. And I know many of us are going through it. But I guess today is just one of those days. This moment is just one of those moments. The moment where everything just goes to crap. You've been trying to keep it together in your tribulations. Trying to keep it pushing. Keeping optimistic and hope for better days. And then, the last nail on the head comes. Suddenly you can't keep it together. All of it comes flowing freely. The tears won't stop flowing. Your body feels weak. It can't move anymore. All your frustrations demands to be felt. And they are not going anywhere. You've been trying anything and everything. But door after door keeps getting shut in your face. Rejection after rejection. Disappointment after disappointment. All your efforts to keep pushing this boulder uphill only for it to roll over you downhill. Leaving you battered and bruised. Your actions to make things better o...

Photo Credit- Formica AI I am afraid. I am afraid that I am not all that.  I am afraid that people will realize that I am not all that.  I am afraid that I am not as important as I think I am.  I am afraid that I am a fraud.  I am afraid that one day people will wake up and realize that I am a fraud.  I am afraid that I am not who I think I am.  That I do not deserve the good things I have.  And I am afraid that one day they will be taken away from me.  I am afraid to be bad at something I am normally good at.  I am afraid that I have been pretending all this time.  I am afraid of being perceived as weak.  Because weak means not good enough.  I am afraid that I am not good enough.  And that I will never be. 

Photo Credit- Wallpaper Flare It's come to my attention that my blog is quite sad, so let's spruce it up a bit.  I don't know a lot of happy stories. So I will write about the things I love. I love being excited to go home, having a home to go. I love the aha moment after solving a challenging topic that was giving you a hard time. I love being good at something and doing it passionately. I love cheese, anything with cheese count me in. I love the city at night. Something about the streetlights illuminating the dark calls to me. I love meeting new people. Maybe because I don't know what I am getting myself into. I love making people smile. Knowing that I made someone else feel good about themselves is so fulfilling. I love good music. Music that invokes emotion, whichever emotion, as long as I feel something, that's good enough. I love dressing up, wearing cute clothes and feeling good about myself because I can. I love the first gulp of hot coffee  or tea in the mo...

  Photo Credit- Adobe Stock I don't know what I am doing. I feel like I'm walking through life with a blind fold on. Just stumbling through my path with no sense of direction and feeling lost. Doing any and everything. Someone very close to me made a comment and said "You seem to be living the dream life.. it seems you are having the time of your life." I am not. Looking from the outside in, I wondered, is there someone out there wishing they were living my life? Does my life seem so put together and organized? Meanwhile, here I am experiencing crippling jealousy and self doubt because I cannot stop comparing myself with my peers who are doing so much better than I am or those who I feel left me behind. I had no idea that I was carrying my pains so well it seemed that I did not have any. Well... if anything, I'm in the pits. I'm not going to start explaining my struggles here. because you know, nobody really cares.. but just because I carry it well does not me...