Soul of an Artist

Shifts, can be scary right? I get into ruts, often My peers move up the corporate ladder Maladaptive daydreaming Bursts of dopamine Try to get into old hobbies Cannot sustain it Mindless scrolling Wishing that I could live other people's highlights Loud music blasts in my ears eliciting various emotions in me Escapism But it all comes crashing down And I'm back in my room In the darkness With the harsh brightness Of my phone screen glaring at me Just a fantasy It's time for a shift It's been time, Yet I cannot  I'm still stuck Stuck where you left me

Photo Credit- Pexels My day is not going well. Hell, It's not been a good week. And I know many of us are going through it. But I guess today is just one of those days. This moment is just one of those moments. The moment where everything just goes to crap. You've been trying to keep it together in your tribulations. Trying to keep it pushing. Keeping optimistic and hope for better days. And then, the last nail on the head comes. Suddenly you can't keep it together. All of it comes flowing freely. The tears won't stop flowing. Your body feels weak. It can't move anymore. All your frustrations demands to be felt. And they are not going anywhere. You've been trying anything and everything. But door after door keeps getting shut in your face. Rejection after rejection. Disappointment after disappointment. All your efforts to keep pushing this boulder uphill only for it to roll over you downhill. Leaving you battered and bruised. Your actions to make things better o

Photo Credit- Formica AI I am afraid. I am afraid that I am not all that.  I am afraid that people will realize that I am not all that.  I am afraid that I am not as important as I think I am.  I am afraid that I am a fraud.  I am afraid that one day people will wake up and realize that I am a fraud.  I am afraid that I am not who I think I am.  That I do not deserve the good things I have.  And I am afraid that one day they will be taken away from me.  I am afraid to be bad at something I am normally good at.  I am afraid that I have been pretending all this time.  I am afraid of being perceived as weak.  Because weak means not good enough.  I am afraid that I am not good enough.  And that I will never be. 

Photo Credit- Wallpaper Flare It's come to my attention that my blog is quite sad, so let's spruce it up a bit.  I don't know a lot of happy stories. So I will write about the things I love. I love being excited to go home, having a home to go. I love the aha moment after solving a challenging topic that was giving you a hard time. I love being good at something and doing it passionately. I love cheese, anything with cheese count me in. I love the city at night. Something about the streetlights illuminating the dark calls to me. I love meeting new people. Maybe because I don't know what I am getting myself into. I love making people smile. Knowing that I made someone else feel good about themselves is so fulfilling. I love good music. Music that invokes emotion, whichever emotion, as long as I feel something, that's good enough. I love dressing up, wearing cute clothes and feeling good about myself because I can. I love the first gulp of hot coffee  or tea in the mo

  Photo Credit- Adobe Stock I don't know what I am doing. I feel like I'm walking through life with a blind fold on. Just stumbling through my path with no sense of direction and feeling lost. Doing any and everything. Someone very close to me made a comment and said "You seem to be living the dream life.. it seems you are having the time of your life." I am not. Looking from the outside in, I wondered, is there someone out there wishing they were living my life? Does my life seem so put together and organized? Meanwhile, here I am experiencing crippling jealousy and self doubt because I cannot stop comparing myself with my peers who are doing so much better than I am or those who I feel left me behind. I had no idea that I was carrying my pains so well it seemed that I did not have any. Well... if anything, I'm in the pits. I'm not going to start explaining my struggles here. because you know, nobody really cares.. but just because I carry it well does not me

    Photo Credit -Amino Apps You know those people that open doors and don't close them? Especially the doors that keep the cold outside and the warmth in. The doors that when open everyone can see what is going on inside and it gets annoying. When you are comfortable in your room, deep in your warm blankets then a sibling just opens your door, inspects the room, touches random things and then leaves it wide open for no particular reason and when you tell them to close the door they are too far gone so now you have to get up out of your comfortable bed to go close the door that was comfortably closed. Well, that recently happened to me. But mine wasn't a literal door. No, I wish it was though. It was a door I didn't even know existed. The kind of door your subconscious closes shut because what is behind it is not that pretty. Funny thing is whatever is behind this door has been affecting my life seriously and I was oblivious to it. But I don't know if this person realiz

Photo Credit- Tharawat Magazine I know, I know, It's been crickets in here. Don't come for me. I missed this. I created this blog as a form or means to escape from my reality but my reality kept calling me back. It's good to be back though. Life has been lifing recently and my creativity had to be channeled to a different area of my life. So I had none left for my blog. In the past few months, my life has changed tremendously. It's been fun, different, new, scary, exciting, and messy to say the least. In the midst of this mess, I made a huge blunder that made me feel like others looked at me differently. Turns out I was the one who was looking at myself differently and I started projecting those feelings onto other people. I felt like my image was tarnished because of this blunder especially since it was a new sector of my life. It got me thinking though. About my perfectionism, my fear of failure, and how I define myself by my failures. I put myself through this magnif